a response to "how the left turned california into a paradise lost" (buckle up)
Dear Ms. Finley,
I would personally like to offer my congratulations on your truly stunning, tour-de-force op-ed piece bravely published by The Wall Street Journal. Not everyone would have the guts-- some might say audacity-- to blame the Los Angeles fires on the firefighter's union and ecological conservation. But it's clear that you love America and Her freedoms so dearly, you don't mind throwing an entire state under the electric hybrid bus.
Brava, dear!
If you'll indulge me-- and please say you will, I won't take no for an answer-- I'd love to pull some of the more memorable quotes from your piece and respond to them as myself (a fan) and also, secondarily, by LARPing as a non-dogmatic Progressive, the least interesting kind of person.
“After the November election, California Gov. Gavin Newsom announced his plans to ‘Trump-proof’ the Golden State. How about fire-proofing?””
ME: Yas, girl. Open with wordplay, one that says "Newsom is a dumb-dumb and focused on protecting his state in a larger sense, but like, make it about how it's his fault the fires are so bad" but subtly. Who would have thought to take Newsom's own words-- "Trump-proof" and give them back to him with a mic drop like "fire-proofing." Nothing but respect, Allysia. Not to jinx it, but I smell an Edward R. Murrow Award.
BRAINDEAD LIBERAL: Newsom did request a special session of the Legislature with the intention of preparing and allocating funds for any litigation the state may need to combat future MAGA-ttude, including assaults on reproductive rights, immigration, and the environment.
Newsom is attempting to protect the state from Conservatives who, I assume, run purely on fossil fuels and can only survive by freebasing petroleum. Trump’s war on the planet isn’t a secret. Like a Bond villain, he gladly tells us his plans of making Earth go kaboom! His policies reflect his caustic ignorance, and thus the Governor of a state prone to natural disasters is playing the long game by preparing for whatever regulatory rollbacks are en vogue with the oil barons.
“Los Angeles’s horrific fires are exposing the costs of its progressive follies, which even wealthy liberals in their Palisades palaces can’t escape.”
ME: Okay, I saw The Progressive Follies at the Public, Off-Broadway, like a year ago; and while I think transferring to Broadway was a misstep as the show loses its intimacy in the grandeur of the New Amsterdam Theatre, the tunes remain unforgettable.
STUPIDHEAD LIBERAL: Oh, wealthy liberals in the Palisades. Where wealthy liberals have lived under liberal laws for over a hundred years, but for some reason, are only now being punished for their Sodom and Gomorrah theme park? Unfortunately for you, that area is less of a blue stronghold than the rest of Los Angeles County, as per this map. Trump’s allegiance is to the wealthy and he's never pretended otherwise. It would be comically disingenuous to imply Trump has any vested interest in lower-- and middle-- class populations.
Also there is no mention of Altadena in this entire op-ed. Is it less attractive to blame a working-class, historically Black, multi-racial and immigrant-friendly neighborhood for the inferno that incinerated it? After all, voters in Altadena went around 80% for Harris, far more than the average of 65% in the Palisades. AH, but your narrative! No!
“Start with its environmental obsessions. The Los Angeles Department of Water and Power in 2019 sought to widen a fire-access road and replace old wooden utility poles in the Topanga Canyon abutting the Palisades with steel ones to make power lines fire- and wind-resistant. In the process, crews removed an estimated 182 Braunton’s milkvetch plants, an endangered species.
The utility halted the project as state officials investigated the plant destruction. More than a year later, the California Coastal Commission issued a cease-and-desist order, fined the utility $2 million, and required “mitigation” for the project’s impact on the species. This involved replacing “nonnative” vegetation with plants native to the state.”
ME: Like honestly, I was thinking about this the whole time I was watching the fires. The carnage clearly could have been avoided if the government had just let the other department in the government do their job and replace utility poles. No one is talking about the utility poles. Topanga Canyon is notorious for hippies, too. In fact, Jim Morrison wrote the song "Roadhouse Blues" about the Topanga restaurant Inn of the Seventh Ray. Maybe, if the government would do it's job and let the... other part of the government do it's job, Jim Morrison would have opened The Doors to the Roadhouse, and that would have provided a clear fire-access road. I'm just as disgusted about milkvetch as you are, sweetie. And may I say, I hate that it uses its Yiddish name? Like, you're allegedly native to California, milkvetch. Not the Lower East Side of Manhattan.
INTELLECTUALLY IMPAIRED AFTER A PICKLEBALL ACCIDENT LIBERAL: Presenting a one-off, inconsequential bureaucratic squabble as the thesis of the argument isn’t even a clever distraction technique. In the court of law-- which you should know because Trump is the ol' Law n' Order guy (but not Jerry Orbach obviously, #rip Jerr)-- this would not stand as evidence, nor would it be considered for a scientific journal due to the highly anecdotal nature of the story.
Raise your hand if you think that widening fire-access roads in Topanga Canyon would have “fire-proofed” the area to the extent that the six separate fires affecting Los Angeles would have been halted, stalled, or otherwise contained. Anyone?
“You have to chuckle at the contradiction: California’s progressives want to expel foreign flora and fauna but provide a sanctuary for illegal immigrants.”
ME: When I first read this I thought, what? Did she just compare plants to people and make a weird kinda of veiled racist comment about immigration? And when I realized the answer to that question was, in fact, "yes," I realized that you better keep your phone near because Netflix Max Hulu Amazon Tubi is gonna be callin' about getting you an hourlong. Nothing is funnier than... whatever it is that you just tried to do there.
LOW IQ LIBERAL: Well actually, creating and maintaining natural botanic environments have been shown to slow the effects of climate change. I'm not sure where your perceived irony lies. Yes, California offers sanctuary to undocumented immigrants who have risked their lives to come to America with the hope of a better life, and whose cheap labor our infrastructure relies on to keep the country running, particularly California, whose economy would be crippled with mass deportation. So, maybe I don't understand how chuckles work, or maybe chuckles are something other than what I'm thinking and they have a weird underground meaning on Troof Social.
“Since the milkvetch requires wildfires to propagate, the only way to boost its numbers is to let the land burn. A cynic might wonder if environmentalists interfered with fire prevention in hope of evicting humans from what they view as the plant’s rightful habitat. To radical environmentalists, every human is a colonizer.”
ME: Uh-kay, yeah a cynic might. But not you, right? This is giving me very "that's a beautiful child you have, would be a shame if... something were to... happen to her." Idk don't want to sound cynical tho.
POST-LOBOTOMY LIBERAL: I mean, if basic conservation efforts are considered "radical" then what does that make Teddy Roosevelt? He started it.
“Next, consider the government’s misallocation of resources. Los Angeles Fire Chief Kristin Crowley complains the city cut her budget by $17 million last spring, which she says reduced overtime compensation and interfered with wildfire preparation. Maybe, though the veteran firefighter may also be saying this to get more money for her department.”
ME: Love the scoop, love the shade. It's giving me insider trading, it's giving me the logistics are not as logical as they seem energy. It's also slightly LA noir, you know? Like, the Fire Chief used to be a firefighter herself (clear conflict of interest) but then she lies and manipulates information to... get more money for the Fire Department... what may have been... what she wanted... all along. And she's gay? Femme Fatale. Trust me.
STARK RAVING MAD LIBERAL: If by her "complaining" you mean she sent internal memos in July and December of 2024 warning that the budget cuts “have adversely affected the Department's ability to maintain core operations,” then... yeah.
“In truth, the fire budget didn’t shrink since city leaders last autumn approved a new union contract that boosted pay and benefits by $76 million—about $20,000 per firefighter.”
ME: Slayin' and 'splainin' the truth to these fools, Allymia! Any idiot can find the "charts" and "graphs" that reflect the "data" showing the fire budget was "cut." But you know what those squiggly lines and numbers don't show? That unions are tools of Socialism and the Devil. Unions, as they are called, much like the former Soviet Union (cough cough Commies), reduce income inequality and improve workplace conditions, leading to increased productivity, which in turn spurs economic growth. And what is more Leftist and woke than a healthy economy wherein workers-- not just corporations -- are protected. It's almost like they think America deserves a middle class (gross!).
THUMB-SUCKING FOUR-EYED DOOFUS LIBERAL: Just like, it's right here...
“Even before this raise, firefighters on average earned about $200,000, plus $90,000 in benefits. Many can retire at 55 with pensions equaling 90% of their final salaries.”
ME: If I had a dime for every lazy, freeloadin', easy-goin', pot smokin', Tim Robinson-watchin' firefighter that took their big red truck and Dalmatian and made a big o' Leftist turn on Easy Street, USA...
Remember/Never Forget how the NYFD reacted when that whole terrorism thing happened like... twenty-somethin' years ago? They went into burning buildings to save lives. Total virtue signaling. And then they had the nerve to complain about their diminished health after? I'm like, I'm sorry, you were the first to respond. And then Jon Stewart, whom I loathe because of his tricky-languaging humor tales, went to Congress on their behalf and yelled at the four people who showed up? Entitled.
WHINY NEW YORK LIBERAL: Okay. Let's just uh-- you seem upset that firefighters can retire? I feel like, idk, I wouldn't want to depend on some Boomer with my Dad's knees and my Mom's bone density to run into a burning building and save me. Like, you know what their job is, right? It's confusing me here, because so many Conservatives love cops. But it sounds like you don't have the same sycophant-level of attraction to firefighters. Maybe it's because by the nature of their work, they can't be racist. We're all the same skin tone when we're charred.
Also, the LAFD's salaries are on par with other large cities. And the few making $200k are not fighting fires in the field, they are on the office side of the operation. I'm not sure why you want to mislead readers into thinking firefighters are stop-drop-rolling in the dough.
“Los Angeles spent $350 million this year on firefighter pensions and benefits. Much of that would have been better spent on fire prevention, which made up only 5% of the department’s budget. Ms. Crowley calls “diversity, inclusion, and equity” a top priority, and the Fire Department boasted nine DEI positions.”
ME: Yeah, suck it firefighters! (dramatic spit)
AT THE END OF HER ROPE LIBERAL: First, a parable. When I was in my early twenties, I worked at the Apple Store in Soho. Every day, a wealthy person or persons from the neighborhood would be irritated about waiting on the line for the Genius Bar. And every day, every single one of them told me "they need to hire more people, this is ridiculous." And I thought to myself, that's not how this works and that would do literally nothing.
I had a similar feeling reading your hot take on where and how the LAFD should allocate its funding and also a sorrowful misunderstanding of what fire prevention is and how it works.
It also seems to me like you are, again, doing your best to mislead your readers. I literally cannot find your "5%" figure anywhere on any reputable website or publication. Equally confounding is the assertion that the LAFD can't possibly make DEI a priority in their hiring process and still, at the same time, allocate funds to fire prevention. These are non-sequiturs. I'd explain to you why it's absurd, except I think that you probably know.
“[Union contracts and DEI] may not have directly hampered the fire response, but they illustrate the government’s wrongheaded priorities. It’s the same with water. Donald Trump blamed dry fire hydrants in L.A. on protections for the delta smelt fish. The real culprit was an overwhelmed water system, but both reflect government mismanagement.
Smelt protections restrict the amount of water that flows from the state’s north to the south. This has led to billions of gallons of water being flushed out to the Pacific Ocean each year, along with chronic water shortages, high unemployment, overpumped wells and environmental degradation in the state’s Central Valley. Mr. Newsom opposed Mr. Trump’s first-term efforts to ease the fish protections. You can lead California progressives to water, but you can’t make them think.”
ME: Ugh, so sick the burn. Is it too soon to say "burn"? I don't know what's "woke" anymore!
CHILDLESS CAT LIBERAL THAT ONLY EATS RAMEN FOR DINNER: Look, I get that you only have so much space in your lil' column to say what you want to say, and that may lead to oversimplifying. But there is oversimplifying and then there's intentionally under-informing. Unless... well, you really didn't know. It's a sad reflection of the American education system that you don't know what an ecosystem is, or how it works, or why that's relevant to climate change, or why actually we do need smelt, or that the regulations more so effect saline water, which would be unusable for the farmers.
“Consider the state’s response to crime and homelessness, which may have contributed to the fires. Last year’s Park Fire—the fourth largest in state history—was allegedly ignited by a man with two prior felony convictions who was on parole for a DUI. The Los Angeles Times reported in early 2021 that 24 fires on average were breaking out each day in the city’s homeless encampments. A fire in an encampment shut down an L.A. freeway last November, the second time that had happened in a little over a year.”
ME: Of course crime and homelessness contributed to the fires. I don't care if there's no real way to prove that! Blame the lazy freeloading firefi-- homeless, I meant homeless this time!
STUPID CRAZY LIBERAL: What is your point here? There's literally no evidence to suggest that a houseless person contributed to the fires. That's entirely absurd. The man who started the Park Fire did so by pushing a burning car down a ravine. He was charged with "reckless arson," meaning he did not push the car with the intention of starting a larger fire. Also, that was in Chico, which about 500 miles away from Los Angeles.
This isn't to say that houseless isn't an issue-- it is. But there is wide-ranging disagreement on how to best address caring for the currently houseless and preventing the trend from growing. And as much as I know you'd love to pass off all houseless people as dirty, grubby little hobos, I'm quite sorry to inform you that 200,000 of California's homeless are under 18-years old, while over 10,000 are veterans, and 40% are aged 50 or older. There are an estimated 75,000 houseless persons in Los Angeles alone. This is a humanitarian crisis. But perhaps to understand that, you'd have to see them as human.
“Good Samaritans on Thursday detained a homeless man who they said used a flamethrower to incinerate Christmas trees and garbage cans, around the same time as a major fire erupted. Police arrested the vagrant on a felony probation violation—meaning he had been on parole for another felony—because they said they lacked probable cause to charge him with arson. The suspect reportedly claimed he was using a blowtorch to smoke marijuana.”
ME: Ma-ma-ma-rijuana? Like, the thing the firefighters smoke? Aw, no! I heard that can make people crazy. Crazy enough to use a literal blowtorch to smoke a joint, even. Because that would light your face on fire. Classic vagrant.
LISPING NINNY LIBERAL: Okay? I mean, he was nowhere near the larger fires. This was a separate, small fire. The LAPD said there's no way he caused the larger fires. So why are you spending time on a small fire that happened independently of much larger fires, in which the community stepped in, stopped the guy, and called the cops? If anything you're making Californians look like nice people who care about their neighbors and their city.
“Wealthy liberals have long been shielded from the consequences of their government’s blunders. State regulators until recently even suppressed insurance rates for high-priced homes by barring insurers from fully pricing in wildfire risk and reinsurance costs.”
ME: They had it coming, for it has been written! No longer shall they be shielded from their blunders! Nay, the blunders shall come, and they shall make equal the scales of justice as it pertains to my very specific opinion!
Tax! The! Rich! Hey, someone should put that on an evening gown...
MAC OWNING LATTE-SIPPING NINETIES LIBERAL: Slightly impressed at how you've connected seemingly disparate facts into one sticky yarnball of a conspiracy. The irony you're missing here is that Conservatives continually and consistently for at least the last 40 years, given generous tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans. So if you're upset that rich people weren't having to pay their fair share with insurance rates, boy, have I got a reveal!
Also, the state does closely regulate the insurance market. One of the ways in which is does this is by limiting the amount by which insurers can raise their rates. With the increase in climate change leading to increased natural disasters in the state, insurance companies are operating at a loss. Thus, the few, smaller insurance companies that do remain in California have the ability to quadruple their rates, nearing the limit set by the state.
“Democrats think they can wave away economic reality, much as they do when they pretend there are no costs to raising the minimum wage or taxes. Will the fires prompt Mr. Newsom and company to rethink their delusions? Forget it, it’s La La Land.”
ME: Libs always bein' like, bye economic reality! And I'm all like, hello Reganomics, hello tariffs, you are the change I want to see! Even if most economists think those concepts are, well, ineffective, I know the truth. And sick Chinatown ref, dude. A movie about a corrupt government rigged to make the rich richer? It'd be like if we sent a convicted felon to the White House, like, not gonna happen.
WORKING-CLASS LOSER LIBERAL: Get my movie's name outah ya mouth, Allysia! You don't get to enjoy Faye Dunaway, not with your attitude.
Also, I'm not clear on why Democrats would want to wave away economic reality, when it was Obama's White House that brought us the biggest one-year drop in poverty since 1968.
With love,
Angry Open Letters